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No. 56. 



MY PETER! 



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THE -AMA.TEUR ST^^^OE. 



''MY PETER!" 



A COMEDIETTA., 



IN ONE ACT, 



7,q 



By ANDRE ARNOLD. 



WITH THE CAST OP CHARACTEBf3, COSTUMES, SIDES OF ENTRANCES AND 

EXIT, RELATIVE POSITIONS OP THE DRAMATIS PERSONJE, 

TIME OP REPRESENTATION, ETC., ETC. 



NEW YOBK : 
HAPPY HOURS COMPA 

No. 1 CHAMBERS STREET. 




-fi,l,-i^ 



"MY P E T E E ! " 



/l7^=' 



DRAMATIS PEESONiE. 

Peter Lambktn. 
Geoboe Balmeb. 
Mes. Alcestis Lambkin. 
Mas. DoBA Balmeb. 
Mas. Flowebdale. 
Lucy, A Servant. 



Time, — Pbesent. 



Time of Bepresentatbn. — Foil t;-Jive Mimdes. 



COSTUMES. -MODERN. 



PROPERTIES. 

Cavpet covering stage. Curtains to French window, c. A screen, 
opened, on the b. A round table, c. Vases, books and flowers on 
it. Footstool B.C. A small table between the doors l. Newspaper 
on table. A pack of cards in drawer of l. table. Two easy chairs 
K. and ly. Sofa u.e.l. Embroidery on frame for Mrs. Balmeb. 
Two cigars. Eau de cologne. Bouquet for Mes. Flowebdalk 
Short pipe in case and match box for Pete. Fullers earth (wet) for 
mud. A battered hat. Two lighted caudles. 



Copyrighted 1877. 



"MY PETER!" 



Scene. — A Ikindsomely Famished Drawing-Room in a Villa al 
Brighton. IVench windoio c, through lohich may he seen the Es- 
planade and sea beyond. Door t.e.l. Door s.e.l. Door s.e.k. 
Sofa u.E.ii. Screen u.e.r. Table c, on tchich are vases and flowers. 
Table between the two doors l. Clock on it. Tioo easy chairs B. and 
L. Other chairs on the scene. ' 

Mbs. Balmeb and Mits. Lambkin discovered. 

.Mrs. L. (Reading in easy chair, E.) Ridiciilous ! How man 
could write — or woman could utter such demoralizing sentiments is 
incredible. Just listen, Dora. (Reads.) "Julia laid her bead on 
her husband's bosom, and looking with the confidence of a cLild 
in his lace, said, 'I am yours— yours, dearest Charles; my whole 
being seems absorbed in that sweet consciousness. Guide, sustain, 
and cherish me, for I have neither will, thought, nor desire that is 
not yours." (Rising and flinging the book away angrily on l. table.) 
There ! Such detestable principles would subvert domestic govern- 
ment, and destroy the independence which a woman should never 
surrender to a conjugal tyrant. 

Mrs. B. (Seated in easy chair, t., embroidering and laughing.) 
I know your system of matrimonial discipline does not agree with 
those doctrines of passive obedience to one's ' lord and master. ' 

Mrs, L. "Which, iu spite of my advice to the contrary, you have 
adopted and practise towards your husband. It is treason to the 
rights of woman to humble yourself aa you do to a man, who, 



4 " jiy rKTiin!'' 

like all his egotistical sex, is ouly too ready to believe that womeu 
were sent iuto the world to serve and obey their proud 'masters.' 

(Laughs satirically, and sits as before. 

3frs. B. That is a fault with which you caunot reproach yourself, 
Alcestis. Ah ! my dear! you rule poor Mr. Lamblciu 

Mrs. L. (Quickly interrupting. ) As a woman who respects her 
rightful position in the matrimonial scale should rule cue of the 
creatures. From the day we were married I have kept a tight rein 
upon "?ny Peter;" and although a little restiff and stubborn at 
first, I gradually subdued the little fellow, brought down his spirit, 
tamed his temper, till now — yes — I can lead him like a lap-dog in a 
silken thread. 

Mrs. B. Which you do without consulting his will. 

Mrs. L. His will ? Ha, ha, ha ! What a simpleton you must 
be to imagine "my Peter" has any will but mine. No! no! that 
little tiflf we had on our wedding-day settled the entire question. 
Peter wanted to smoke a cigar after dinner, but I didn't, that was 
enough. I forbade the vulgar indulgence ; he remonstrated ; I re- 
mained calm, but firm, firm ! At last he succumbed, and the cigar 
was flung out of the window. That was Vne first lesson I taught him. 
Ah ! he has never forgotten it ! 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) It is not likely he should. (liises — aloud.) 
But all men have faults, and my husband, I know, has his share. 

3frs. L. (Rises.) That's good. I'm glad you admit your idol 
to have some defects. For instance, he has a horrid temper. 

Mrs. B. A little hasty sometimes, but then his ill-humor don't 
last long. 

Mrs. L. He won't bear contradiction, 

Mrs. B. For which reason I never contradict him. 

Mrs. L. He is scarcely ever at home. 

Mrs. B. Perhaps he is happier abroad. I am no advocate for a 
man to be condemned to perpetual domestic imprisonment with 
his wife. Ever shadowing her very footsteps and perpetually tying 
himself to her apron strings. 

Mrs. L. (Whispering quietly io her.) I protest, Dora, you're 
the most provoking creature in existence. What would you say 
now, if your husband did shadow some woman's footsteps and pre- 
ferred the society of another rather than his own wife? 

Mrs. B. (Starts up.) Another I (With an effort.) He should 
hear no reproach from my lips. (Sits again. 

Mrs. L. Oh, this is too much ! You'll have the finger of scorn 
pointed at j'ou child, while your humility will be cited as a frightful 
example to the whole wedded world ; matrimonial reformers will 
be questioning the divine rights of woman, and then advocating 
equality iu the married state. Shocking — shocking principles! 
Horrid! (Silss, 

Mrs. B. I shall trust to them, nevertheless, to correct my hus- 
band's faults : — of his moral truth I caunot entertain a doubt. 



"MY Pl-TliK !" 



Mrs. L. (Lawjlis henrlVy.) It's a pity to disturb such a sweet, 
confiiliug dream, lest it be converted iuto a nightmare, but I've ob- 
served Mr. Bahner for the last mouth — ever since we came to live 
together in this charming marine villa. 

Mrs. B. (Sighs.) 1 thought we shoukl be so happy together. 

Mrs. L. So we are, my dear, perfectly happy : at least, I speak 
for myself and "my Peter," upon whom I constantly keep an eye 
— iico eyes ! I can see him at this moment playing at duck and drake 
ou the beach. 

Mrs. B. Ah ! innocent pleasures for innocent minds. But yon 
were going to say something about George, my George. 

Mrs. L. True, my dear, your George. You must not be hurt by 
" my candor, but everybody perceives that Mr. Balmer pays particular 
attention to that Mrs. Flowerdale. 

Mrs. B. Well, I do not desire to monopolize my husband's atten- 
tion. 

Mrs. L. That is very kind of you, I'm sure, especiallj' as Mrs. 
Flowerdide thinks, — and I dare say Mr. Balmer also thinks — slie is 
irresistible. 

]\lrs. B. I admit she is young, handsome, wittj' 

Mrs. L. And a widow — atid a widow, my dear, don't forget that. 
Ah ! ( Slutkes Iter liead ominoushj. 

Mrs. B. I cannot forget she is my friend. 

Mrs. L. The greater the danger, my dear ! "Where women nre 
concerned, Rhow me a friend and I'll sliow you a monster ! I don't 
mean to say that Sirs. Flowerdale meditates the conquest of your 
husband, but nature made her a wonif.n, accident made her a widow, 
and art has made her a coquette ; her instincts and her education 
compel her to angle for, hook and laud every victim that comes in 
her way. 

Mrs. B. Still I have confidence in my husband's moral principles, 
and in the efficacy of my own system. 

Mrs. L. An abominable system- which would render poor mar- 
ried women slaves to the will of their despotic 'Zoj-ds.' (IaukjUs.) 
Stay, are you willing to test the merits of our respective modes of 
treatment — your sedatives against my tonics. 

Mrs. B. Yes ! my syrups against your bitters ! Ha ! ha ! Yes, 
I am quite ready to do so, and to wager a dozen pairs of gloves upon 
the issue. But how do you propose to make the trial? 

Mrs. L. You know tliat I have arranged to go to London this 
evening, to my mother's ; now nothing would be easier than fur you 
to make some excuse to accompany me and return with me to-mor- 
row. Your liusband won't object you may be certain. 

Mrs. B. Perhaps not. But I don't see clearly the object of this 
journey. 

j\[rs". L. A feint, my dear ! We'll play foxy — remain here in 
ambush and pounce upon the lambs ! So, while our spouses iuia- 



b "air petee!" 

giiie us chatting cosily at St. John's "Wood, we will be watching their 
little proceedings at home. (Laughs. 

Mrs. B. (Laughs.) Capital! I agree to the stratagem— for I 
know my George will remain heart whole, and come out ot the trial 
like gold from the furnace. (Rises. 

Mrs. L. (Rises.) And "imj Peter'" like steel from the anvil. 
(Looks through loiudoio, c, off l. ) Hush! I see my precious little 
partner returning from the beach. 

Jl//\s. B. And mine sauntering this way from his evening stroll. 
(Looks out c, off'T,. Mks. Lambkin resumes her seat, b. 

E)iter Peteb Lambkin, through c. ic'mdoio, from l. 

Peler. Ah, lovey ! I hope I have not out-stayed my liberty. Mrs. 
Balmer, how d'ye do ? 

Mrs. L. (Looking at her icatch.) Five minutes past the time I 
allowed you, Mr. Lambkin. 

Peter. (B.C.) I'm so sorry my love, but duck and drake is such 
an exciting pastime that 

Mrs, L. That you forgot j'our wife's commands, sir. 

Peter. No, really. Your commands are always implicitly obeyed 
by me — but— a — (whispers her aside) — forgive me this time and I 
promise never to traugress again. 

(Mes. Lambkin turns awayfi-om, Jiiin. 

Enter George Balmee, through c. XDhidow, from k., smokbig a cigar. 

George. What a splendid evening for a cigar. ( Comes down Ij.c. 
Perceiving Mrs. Lambkin. ) Oh I I beg pardon, Mrs. Lambkin, you 
don't like smoking. (Flings his cigar out of tlie window. ) I forgot. 
There ! 

Mrs. L. 'Tis a practice I detest, ]\Ir. Balmer. I have forbidden 
" my Peter" ever to smoke. 

Peter. Yes, it's a dreadful bad habit. ( Aside to G^onGTZ.) I had 
a weed on the sly after dinner. 

George. What a number of fine girls were promenading this even- 
ing. 

Peter. Delicious ! (Mas. L.vmbkin looks astonished — Peter re- 
collects Idmself. ) Hem! That is — i don't know ; I never notice fine 
"gals." 

(Mrs. Balmer takes her husband's hat, and offers to kiss him; 
he kisses her carelessly on the cheek. 

George. There, get away, you little noodle. 

Mrs. B. How your hat wants brushing. 

(She goes up the stage, l., smoothing his hat wilh her handker- 
chief, 

Peter. (Aside.) Mrs. Lambkin never smooths my hat. She pre- 
fers rumpling my hair. 

Mrs. L. Place that footstool for me, Peter. 



"MY peter!" 7 

Pe/er. (Placing a footstool for Mrs. Lambkin. ) There ! Put 
your dear little tootsicums there, my love. What a i^retty pair they 
are. Hah ! the artist who makes those delicious little boots ought to 
bless his lucky stars. (Aside to George.) There was a lovely piuk 
pair ou the esplauade this afternoon, but Mrs. Lambkiu was wih me, 
so I could only steal a glance at the lambs. 

(George takes u vewspaper from l. table, throws libnsef into 
e«sv chair i.., and qlances over it listlessly. 

Mrs. L. '(Calls.) Peter! 

Peter. (Pnns to Iter. ) Yes, lovey. 

JLs. L. Fetch my eau-de-Cologne from my dressing-table. 

(Peter rtois off s.E.i,. 

Georrje. (Yawns.) Nothing stirring ; general stagnation. Opera 
closed ; clubs empty ; Rotten-row a desert, and Margate as a water- 
ing-place has degenerated into a mob. I think I must take a few 
days' cruising round the coast. 

Mrs. L. With Mrs. Balmer, of course ? H-hem ! 

George. (Looking irresolidehj at his xvife, %cho comes down c. ) 
With — hem I — Dora? I— a — well, I did not think — a 

Mrs. B. No.no! I'm a ■wretched sailor. George will enjoy him- 
self much better without me. 

George. (Rising.) Oh, I shall do very well, and j'ou can amuse 
yourself with your friends and the German baud on the esplanade. 
Nothing like a German band to raise a woman's spirits. (Aside. ) 
It gives me the collywobbles! (Aloud — vexed.) We shall be very 
happy apart. (Aside.) She lets me do just as I like. Why the 
deuce will she never oppose me ! 

3Ls. B. (Aside.) I adore the sea, and with him it would have 
been delightful, (sighs) but he has no desire for my societj'. No 
matter, I can be patient, the time will come— it must come, when my 
love will conquer his indifference. ( Retires to loindoio again. 

Re-enter Peter Lambkin, l., xcilh eau-de-Cologne. 

Peter. Here, my dear, is your eau-de-Cologne. (Gives the hollle 
to Mrs. Lambkin. George takes his h(d and is about to quit the 
apartment.) Where are you going, Balmer? Can't we have a quiet 
game of whist, hey ? You shall have Alcestis for your partner, she 
holds tremendous cards — the majority trumps and knows how to 
play them, too. She generally gets all the honors, and knows how 
to make the odd trick ! A wonderful woman ! 

George. I am Teiy sorry, my dear fellow, I must relinquish eo 
powerful a baud. (Turns' to Mrs. Lambkin.) The fact is, I am 
engaged to play a match at billiards, this evening, so that I cannot 

possibly 

Elder Lucy, t.e.u 

Lucy. Mi<. Flowerdiile. ma'iim. 
Mrs. B. Oh ! show her in, Lucy. 



8 " JIY PUTER !" 

George. (PaUlur/ dnou his liat, and aside.) Mrs. Flowerdale! 
hem! (Aloud.) 1 was going to say I atn in uo particular liun-y, 
iny dear ; I can wait, if it is to oblige you, (lookiinj at his watch) for 
another hour. 

Mrs. L. Oh, pray don't think of sacrificing yourself to our stupid 
rubber, Mr. lialaier. You have another game to plaij. (Aside.) 
Hu-u-m 1 

George. ( Embarrassed. ) Not the slightest sacrifice, iny dear 
madam, I am an enthusiast in whist. 

Enter Mrs. Flowehdale, t.e.l. 

Mrs. L. (Looking significantly at j\Ius. Floweudale — Aside.) 
When the Queen of Hearts turns up. 

Ptter. f Aside to Mrs. Lambkin. ) The Queen of Hearts, my dear? 
Wliere? Let me have a look. ( Looks round. 

Mrs. L. (Pulls Idm back — aside to him.) Look this way, if you 
please, sir. 

Mrs. B. I'm delighted to see you, dear Louisa, though the plea- 
sure must be brief. I am going to London by the next train 
and sha'u't return till to-morrow. 

(George and Peter express suriyrise. 

Peter ] 

Ce -ae \ C ^^fi'^'^'f'" «'if^ P^^^sed. j Going to Loudon ! 

Mrs. B. "With Mrs. Lambkin, dear George. I have to order a 
dress at my milliner's, and we have arranged to sleep at her mother's 
to-night. 

Peter, (r.c, sudde)d\j iideresled.) Hey ! Jly Alcestis going for 

the night ! Hoor (Mrs. Lambkin surprised, looks at Peter, 

v)ho suddeidy cliecks himself, then in a melancli.oly tone. ) Aah ! Then 
oar game of whist cannot come ofi", unless Balmer and I play double 
dummy. 

George. Like double donkeys ! 

Mrs. B (I.., to George.) If you have anj' objection to ni}' going, 

Georgy, why 

George. Objection, my popsy wopsy, none in the world — go, by 
all means. Go, and hear the German band, 'twill do you good. 
(Turning <o Mrs. Fi.owerdale, siglis.) I must try to support exis- 
tence in your absence. 

Peter. But M'e shall be very miserable till they return — shall we 
not, Balmer ? 

George. Dreadfully miserable. 

(Takes a rose from a bouquet whicJi Mrs. Fr.owERDALE cairies; 
kisses it and places it in his botlon-hole. They go up tlie stage 
L., and converse apart. Mrs. Lambkin beckons Mrs. Balmer 
down to front, r.c. Peter takes a pack of cards out <f a box 
on the console table i. , sits at table c, and begins to arrange 
them for a game of Patience. 



"MY PliTlili !"' 9 

Peter. (Aside.) A game at Patience may depress nij- exuberant 

joy- 

(He prances mid kicks about under ike iuhle token Mrs. Lamb- 
kin is not lookin'i. 

Mrs. L. (Aside to Mks. Bai.mee. ) "Well, am I right or not? 
Yonr liubbaud neglects aud treats you with iudiffereiice— scarcely 
notices you wlieu he enters the room — proposes a yachting cruise 
without you, and invents a match at billiards to escape from your 
society ; worse still, he makes love to your friend— the widow — a 
grass widow — before your very face. (Geoege and Mks. Floweu- 
PALE laiujh, vp stage, L. ) 1 dare say they are laughing at you this 
moment. Now look at "my Peter," playiug Patience like a stupid 
little goose as he is. That is the way to keep these men under, 
my dear. There is au example of my system of keeping a huf^baud 
down. 

Mrs. B. (Aside. ) Down indeed ! poor fellow. 

J\lrs. L. (Aside to Mes. Bai-meb.) Confess that you have lost 
your wager, and that a dozen pairs of Jouvin's best are miue. 

Mrs. B. (Aside to Mes. Lambkin.) Wait — the trial isn't over 
yet. I have still confidence iu the magic of kindness, aiad the eflS- 
cacy of my system over yours. 

Peter. ( TIaimps ike iuhle with his fist. ) There, now! Iflouly 
dared to swear, I would emphatically say, hang it ! I wish that 
Queen was out of the Avay. 

Mrs. L. Come, Mrs. Bahner, or -we shall be late for the train. 

Mrs. B. Good night, dear George. 

George. Bye, bye, Dora. (Kisses his hand carelessh/ to her. 
To Iiliis. Floweedale.) Must yon go too, Mrs. Flowerdale? (In 
an undertone to her.) Forsake me at such a moment? Cruel 
woman ! 

Mrs. F. (Aside to him. ) Hush ! I have something to say for 
your private ear alone — I will return after your wife has left. 

( Goes itp stage, l. 

Enter Luct, c, icith cloaks and bonnets. 

Lucy. The train starts iu seven minutes, ladies. Here are your 
cloaks and bonnets. The fly is at the door. 

Mrs. L. Oh, dear ! we have not a moment to spare. 

(They hurry on their cloaks and bonnets j Mes. Floweedale 
assisting Mes. Balmer. Hxil Lucy, c. 

Mrs. L. ( Calls. ) Peter ! 

Peter. ( Thumping the table. ) Oh, hang it ! 

Mrs. L. Peter ! did you hear ? 

Peter. (Looks up. ) Did you speak, my dear? 

Mrs. L. You may kiss me and s;iy good-byo. 

Peter. May I? (liises and kisses her. ) Ah! Nectar and barley 
sugar are nothing to it. (Snvjtcks his lips, aside. ) The sugar's melt- 
ing though ! 



10 "M^ peter!' 

3[rs. L. Observe my iuj auctions, and be in bed at ten. 
Peter. I shall have one leg between the sheets at the first stroke of 
the clock, nij' popsy wopsy. But I should like before retiiiug to my 
lonely coach to take a walk on the esplanade. Just to ask, " What 
are tlie wild waves saying?" 

Mis. //. Humph! Ou the esplanade? (Looks at hbn sus- 
piciously.) Go, then] " My Peter " may go ! (Aside.) /shall be 
there, too. (Aloud.) Come, Dora. 

(Mes. Balmer and Mrs. Lambkin exeunt c, off l., folloiccd hy 
]\Irs. Fi^owerdale. 
3frs. F. (Aside to George, as she goes oid. ) Wait ! 

(Mvitc, offjj. 'Tke evening begins to fall. Lights half down. 

Peter. (Jumping up, dancing and singing.) Ri-toll-loll-de-roU- 

de-roll. She's gone — she's off! (Flings the cards aboid, and sings: 

"The day is past, the night's our own, 
So let us feast the soul ; 
Should any pain or care remain, 
Why, drown it in the bowl." 

George. (Sits Jj.) You're in high spirits, Lambkin. 

Peler. (Oros.'ies to r.) Why shouldn't I? I'm a free man— an 
emancipated Briton ! (Sits one. table.) When the cat's away, fhe 
mouse may pla)'. (Sings.) lli-toU-loll-de-roU-de-roll. I'm going to 
join a jolly party at the hotel ; brandy and water and cigars. Bach- 
elor days revived ! You'll come, Balmer? We'll make a night of it, 
my boy ! 

George. No ! I shall stop at home. (Crosses to k., and sits. 

Peter. Oh, d— u it, you have no pluck ! You don't appreciate the 
luxury of getting rid of your wife. (Lighting a short pipe loith a 
muicli. ) Nothing like it, old fellow, to be a free young blood again. 
To live by the cross of your sword, and the sweat of your brow. 
Well, if you won't, you won't ; but 'tis my opinion that the man who 
fears his wife — in her absence — is deficient in the moral courage that 
every man who calls himself a man should possess ! Frn a man ! I 
look like a man, I speak like a man, I dress like a man, and if I'm 
not a man, why dam-me ! 

(Puts on his hat jauntily, and exit r., through wlndoio c. 

Enter Mrs. Flowerdale, c.,from l. 

J/r.9. L. (L. ) Mr. Balmer, I did not perceive you at first in the 
twilight. 

George. (»,., starting up and meeting her.) But you come like a 
bright vision to dispel the gloom, and wake my soul to rapture. 

(lie is about to take her luvid; she repels him by a gesture. 

Mrs. F. A truce with passionate heroics, if you please. The 
motive for my seeking this private interview is purely that of friend- 
ship. 



"MY I'liiKll!" n 

Qeorge. Oh ! ah ! yes ! Liglily fluttered, I'm sure— hum ! Frieiul- 
sbip ! oil, yes ! very nice sort of seutiuieut lor young ladies past fifty, 
but not for j'onugsters ! 

Mrs. F. As au early friend and attached schoolfellow of yoi^.r \vife, 
I am deeply interested in her happiness. 

George. Oh, certainly', quits natural and beautiful those female 
attachments. I believe that Dora loves you as ardently as she does 
any person in the world. 

3Irs. F. Except her husband. 

Qeorge. Oh ! ah ! yes ! ' Except her husband !' People imagine 
that a wife who yields to her husband iu every particular nmst be 
devoted to him. Quite a mistake. Dora does not care a straw for 
me. 

Mrs. F. How can you think so? Is she not the sweetest and 
most amiable disposition iu the world — never opposes you iu any 
way ? 

Qeorge. That's it. I like opposition sometimes ; it's a jiroof that 
a wife takes au interest iu you wheu she opposes you. Tlie very 
sweetness of Dora's temper irritates me. Contrary to my nature, 
and, shall I confess it, to my aflfectiou for her, I have eudeavored to 
piOvoke her to resistance by ungentle means. I pretend indifference 
to her tastes and contempt for her wishes. I have become a capri- 
cious tyraut at home, and a careless husband abroad. I have eveu 
goue so far — Heaven pardon me^as to kick her unoffending lap-dog 
— (Mes. F1.0WEEDALE laughs) — and, would you believe it, she did 
not tly iu a passion. I meet neither sulks nor reproaches :— no 
frowns, no tears, nothing but that unvarying smile which proves 
that she has no feeling. 

Mrs. F. Have you ever tried to make her jealous ? 

George, "Well, I — I have ventured to the verge of that dangerous 
precipice, but the experiment failed ; nothing could disturb her 
sereuitj'. 

3Irs. F. Because she trusted iu j'ou with implicit faitli. Now I 
am going to betray my friend. 

George. You betray her? 

Mrs. F. To secure her happiness and yoTirs. Lucy has confided 
to me a profound secret, which 1 have kept faithfully for five min- 
utes. ( Corifidtniially. ) Neither your wife or Sir. Lambkin's has 
gone to Loudon ; their departure was merely a subterfuge, they have 
returned and remain here to decide a wager. 

Qeorge. A wager — what wager ? 

Mrs. F. The merits of their respective systems of managing hus- 
bands. Hush! ( In a suppressed voice. ) Speak softly, I heiir Dora 
iu that room. (Points to s.e.e.) Do you think you could make love 
to me for five minutes. (Site sits c. 

George. (Passionately. ) For eternity — thus on uiy knee — could 
I pour forth my soul in lovo aud rapture ! 



12 "MY PETER !" 

(He drops on Ids knee u.c, and seiznuj ]ier ImiuI, kisses ii 
eagerhj. 
Mis. F. Ter?/ good, iucleetl ; capitally acted ! (Lawjhs.) Bntull 
acting ! 

George. (Aside.) Pshaw! I'm making a fool of myself. 

(Eises. The door s.e.e, opens: JMus. Balmer appears al it, 
and seems horror struck. Mus. Flowerdale perceives her. 
Mrs. F. (Aside to Geokge, detaining him.) No, no, uo, no ! Go 
on— go on, — it couldn't be better. 

(Mrs. Balmer tollers from the door behind the screen witliout 

being seen by her liusband. 

George. Then in what words shall I convince you of my love? 

Tell me that — that — you reciprocate my passion. (Aside to Mrs. 

F1.0WE11DALE. ) Is that warm enough? If not — only you put ou the 

screw, and I'll give it you hotter ! 

3Ls. F. (Aside to George.) A little more ardor, if yon can. 
George. More ardor ! Hard or soft, it's all tlie same to me ! I rm 
enraptured! (Strikes an altitude. J Incomparable woman! Best 
and loveliest of your sex, I lay my throbbing heart at your feet. 
(Falls on both knees. ) Do as you like with it, trample ou it, kick it, 
only love its owner! (Aside.) Is that hot enough? 

Mrs. F. Oh, but your wife, Mr. Balmer — think of your wife. 
George. My wife? Fiddle-de-dee! Oblige me by never men- 
tioning her ; it is you — you only, that I live for, you only that I 
could die for. 

(A cry of suppressed agony, and a fall is heard behind the screen. 
Geouge and Mrs. Flowerdale start up. 
George. Who is it? 

(Mrs. Flowerdale rushes to the screen, dashes il doion, and 
discovers Mrs. Balmer extended on the floor in a swoon. 
3frs. F. (r,, pointing to Mrs. Balmer.) Your wife —who has no 
feeling — who does not love you ; there is the proof of both. 

George. My dear Dora ! Oh ! I have wronged her cruelly by 
attributing to indifference the indulgence of a loving heart. Assist 
me, dear Mrs. Flowerdale, to bear her to her chamber, where I may 
explain and justify my conduct. 

( Tliey raise and support Mrs. Balmer into room, s.e.r. 

Enter Mrs. Lambkin, hurriedly, through c. xmndow, from B., she is 
greatly agitated, and oxd of breath. She wears a hat, sliowy feathers, 
and complexion veil, instead of her bonnet. 

Mrs. L. Oh ! Bless me, oh ! I shall faint ; I shall expire. I shall 
never recover the shock ;— to, be accosted and followed by my own 
husband, who did not know me in this hat of Lucy's. The wretch, 
too, was intoxicated, positively intoxicated. Oh ! the blow is too 
heavy for my feeble frame. 

(Sinks into easy chair i,., and covers Iter face with her handker- 
chief. 



" MV PETEU !" 13 

Elder Petku Lambkin Ihvough c, icindow, from i;., Ids cuilltes (ue 
inudtly, his coal btdloned awry, Ids irowsers torn at one knee, and liis 
hat haltered down iipon Ids head. He is smoking a cigar. 

Peter. (Singing.) "For we are jolly good fellows; — we are — " 
La ! lia ! La ! I wonder wLy tLafc yonug party I ran against on tLe 
esplanade sLould Lave started off wLen I spoke to Ler. I've no doubt 
tliere was a pretty face under tLat pork-pie hat and complexion veil 
if I could only Lave seen it. 

Mrs. L. (Rising.) Then see it now, sir. 

Peier. (Staggering up to lier and looking c^iriously in her face. ) 
Ila ! La ! La ! La ! (Aside.) By Jove — Lie — it's motLer Lambkin ! 
(Aloud. ) Mrs. Lambkin, can it be possible. 

Mrs. L. Yes, sir, it is possible. It is too true. I am your insult- 
ed and indignant wife ! 

Peter. OL ! Lo ! Lo ! Lo ! WLat a lark ! But wLere did you get 
tLat pork-pie Lat and ravisLing veil from, Ley ? It -wasn't fair of 
you, my old gal, to impose upon me — Lie — 'pon my soul, it wasn't. 

Mrs. L. You're intoxicated, animal ; j'ou're in a state of disgrace- 
ful inebriety, or you would never dare to address me as "your old 
gal." ( Cries.) "My Peter !" to call me Lis " old gal ;" ob, oL, oL ! 

Peter. (Aside.) I've been enjoying myself witL a few friends. 
"Who's afraid ? Hie — I'm not ! Yv^e'U make a uigbt of it ! (Aloxid. ) 
Fill tLe bumper fair — (sings) — for Britons never, never, never, 
never sLall be slaves. 

Mrs. L. TLrow away tLat abominable cigar, yoii brute ! 

Peter. Hie— I sLa'n't — Lie — my popsy-wopsy ! 

3lrs. L. (Imperiously. ) Peter Lambkin, I command you. 

Peter. (Doggedly. ) Mrs. Lambkin, I sLa'n't obey you ! I stand 
upon my native carpet, and my name — 'tis Peter ! 

(Strikes an attitude. 

Mrs. L. Eetire tbis moment, sir, and go to bed ! 

Peter. (Furiously. ) To bed ! Ha ! La ! I'll never go to bed any 
more. I'll follow tLe example of mj' friend, Balmer ; I'll kick tLe 
dog. ( Kicking the footstool. ) I'll smasL tLe cLina. (Knocks over a 
china vase. ) I'll set fire to tLe Louse — Lie — motLer Lambkin give 
me a candle. 

Mrs. L. (Screams. ) MotLer Lambkin, indeed ! 

Peter. Yes, mother Lambkin ! you go to bed and look after all tLe 
little Lambkins. 

Mrs. L. (Screams.) OL, help! Murder! OL, help ! 

(Drops into easy chair e., screaming. 
Peter. (Dropping into easy chair, l. ) Ha, La, La ! Ho, Lo, Lo ! 

Enter George Balmer, Mrs. Balmer and Mrs. Flowerdale, from 
room B.'E.'E., followed hy Lucy, with lighted candles — Lights up. 

Oeorge. \ rp n j WLat is tLe matter? 

Mrs. B. \ -'•^fi'^'""'- -j Good Leavens ! wLat Las Lappened? 



14 "MY peteb!" 

Feier. Nothing particular ; only tbe Eritisb Hon h;is Lcen roused 
in iny furious breast. (Struts.) Tin a free ni'_"'er, and my name is 
Peter — your Peter — her Peter— everybody's Pet. l ! 

Mrs. L. (L. ) Ob, Mrs. Balnier, never was wuniau so deceived as 
I bave been by that deceitful wretch, -wlioni the law compels me to 
call hushatid ! 

Peter. Order! order! ( Crosses to i^.a. 

Mrs. L. I can't tell you how I've been insulted and defied by a 
man whom I thought I had reduced to the most complete submission. 

Peter. Of slavery! Hie — (Sings) — Britons never, never, never, 
never shall be slaves ! 

Mrs. B. You have lost your wager, Mrs. Lambkin ; for your sys- 
tem of controling a husband by severity has been a failure. 

Mrs. L. And pray, how has your system succeeded ? 

George. 1 can answer ; it has made me the happiest, and most 
attached of husbands. 

Mrs. F. (Aside.) Hem ! hem ! ( Aloud, significantly.) It might 
have been otherwise. 

George. Ah I true ; it might but for the assistance of a kind 
friend. 

Mrs. F. Who perceived that in the married state the extremes of 
harshness or indulgence are alike dangerous. 

Peter. Allow me to decide ; if the roused lion may be permitted 
to do so, for he would then unquestionably say — that Peter has been 
a bad boy, but he now repents to his better half, and will never trans- 
gress again— that he will always love his popsy-wopsj', 

Mrs. L, Then you shall be again— "my feter !" 



Disposition of Characters. 



„„«.. Mns. B. p^ 

•B..0' ' i.C. 



Curtain. 



THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA 

PKICE 15 CENTS EACH. 



1 Robert Make-Airs. • 

2 Box and Cox. 

3 Mazeppa. 

4 United States Mail. ^^ 

5 The Coopers. 

6 Old Dad's Cabin. 

7 The Rival Lovers. 

8 The Sham Doctor. 

9 JoUy Millers. 

10 Villikina and his Dinah. 

11 The Quack Doctor. 

12 The Mystic Spell. 

13 The Black Statue. 
U Uncle Jeff. 

15 The Mischievous Nigger. 

16 The Black Shoemaker. 

17 The Magic Penny. 

18 The Wreck. 

19 Oh Hush ; or, The Virginuy Cu- 

20 The Portrait Painter. [pids. 

21 The Hop of Fashion. 

22 Bone Squash. 

23 Tlie Virginia Mummy. 

24 Thieves at the Mill. 

25 Comedy of Errors. 

26 Lefl Miaerables. 

27 New Year's Calls. 

28 Troublesome Servant. 

29 Great Arrival. 

30 Rooms to Let. 

31 Black Crook Burlesque. 

32 Ticket Taker. 

33 Hypochondriac. 

34 William Tell. 

35 Rose Dale. 

36 Feast, k) 

37 Fenian Spy. 

38 Jack's the Lad. 

39 Othello. 

40 Camille. 

41 Nobody's Son. 

42 Sports on a Lark. 

43 Actor and Singer. 

44 Shylock. 

45 Quarrelsome Servants. 

46 Haunted House. 

47 No Cure, No Pay. 

48 Fighting for the Union. 

49 Hamlet the Dainty. 

50 Corsican Twine. 

51 Deaf — in a Horn. 

52 Challenge Dance. 

53 De Trouble begins at Nine. 

54 Scenes at Gurney's. 

55 16,000 Years Ago. 



56 Stage-struck Darkey. 

57 Black Mail. 

58 Highest Price for Old Clothes. 

59 Howls from the Owl Train. 

60 Old Hunks. 

61 The Three Black Smiths. 

62 Turkeys in Season. 

63 Juba. 

64 A Night wid Brudder Bones. 

65 Dixie. 

66 King Cuffee. 

67 Old Zip Coon. 

68 Cooney in de Hollow. 

69 Porgy Joe. 

70 Gallus Jake. 

71 De Coon Hunt. 

72 Don Cato. 

73 Sambo's Return. 

74 Under de Kerosene. 

75 Mysterious Stranger. 

76 De Debbil and Dr. Faustum. 

77 De Old Gum Game. 

78 Huuk's Wedding Day. 

79 De Octoroon. 

80 De Old Kentucky Home. 

81 Lucin da's Wedding. 

82 Muinbo Jum. 

83 De Creole Ball. 

84 Mishaps of Caesar Crum. 

85 Pete's Luck. 

86 Pete and Ephraim. 

87 Jube Hawkins 

88 De Darkey's Dream. 

89 Chris Johnson. 

90 Scipio Africanus. 

91 De Ghost ob Bone Squash, 

92 De Darkey Tragedian. 

93 Possum Fat. 

94 Dat Same Old Coon. 

95 Popsey Dean. ■ 

96 De Rival Mokes. 

97 Uncle Tom. 

98 Desdemc-ium. 

99 Up Hea.i 

100 De Maid ob de Hunkpuncas. 

101 De Trail ob Blood. 

102 De Debbil and de Maiden. 

103 De Cream ob Tenors. 

104 Old Uncle Billy. 

105 An Elephant on Ice. 

106 A Manager in a Fix. 

107 Bonea at a Raffle. 

108 Aunty Chloe. 

109 Dancing Mad. 

110 Juliauna Johnson. 



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HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, ^ 

<^ No. 1 Chambera Street, New York, 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 199 388 A 



I Single Life. 


17 Miseries of Human 


\j \j 1 I 1 ,j^ \j\j\j /-» 


2 The Boarding School. 

3 The Spitfire. 


18 All Irish Engagement.. . - - 


19 How to Settle Accounts j 


36 Mrs. Gamps Tea and Turn 


4 The Irish Dragoon. 


With Your Laundress. 


37 The Village Doctor. [Out. 


5 The School for Tigers. 


20 Advice Gratis. 


38 Family Pride. 


6 Gabrielle tie Belle Isle. 


21 A Hasty Conclusion. 


39 Queen Mary. 


7 The Tipperary Legacy. 


22 Weak Points. 


40 The Three Graces. 


8 Deeds of Dreadful Note. 


23 Grace Darling 


41 The Race Ball 


9 A Peculiar Position. 


24 A Cray I\Iare. 


42 Presented at Court. 


Iq a Private Inquiry. 


25 The Middle 'I'emple. 


43 A Sign of Affection. 


1 1 I'll Tell Your Wife. 


26 The Original. 


44 The Dancing Barber. 


12 The Fast Family. 


2f The Sentinel. 


45 Who's Your Friend? 


13 Antony and Cleopatra 


28 'I'he Tiger at Large. 


46 Charity. 


Married and Settled. 


29 Why Did Yon Dfe? 


47 The Wicked World. 


14 My Friend, in the Straps. 


30 Sayings and Doings. 


48 Mother and Child .are Do- 


15 The School for Scheming, 


31 The Twin Brothers. 


ing Well. 


(Love and Money). 


32 jAsk no Questions. 


49 Lying in Ordinary. 


t6 Our Mary Anne. 


33 Cure for Coquettes. 


50 The Ringdoves. 1 


THE 


AMATEUR STAGE. 


PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 


I Aladdin and the Wonder- | 17 Afloat and Ashore. 


36 Caught in his own Toils. 


ful Lamp. 


i t8 Tragedy Transmogrified. 


37 Cousin Florence. 


2 The Loves of Little Bo- 


19 Fairy Freaks. 


38 Lucy's Love Lesson. 


Peep and Little Boy Blue. 


20 A Medical Man. 


39 A Game of Billiards. 


3 Little Silver Hair and the 


21 Harlequin Little Red Rid- 


40 The Wrong Bottle 


Three Bears. 


ing Hood 


41 A Lyrical Lover. 


4 Robin Hood: or, the Merry 


22 Fireside Diplomacy. 


42 A Bad Temper. 


Men of Sherwood Forest. 


23 Ingomar (Burlesque). 


43 Women's Rights. 


5 Little Red Riding Hood. 


24 Money Makes the Man. 


44 Mischievous Bob. 


6 The Frog Prince. 


25 The Happy Dispatch. 


45 A Pint of Ale. 


7 Blue Beard ; or. Female 


26 An Eligible Situation. 


46 The Last Drop. 


Curiosity. 


27 The Pet Lamb. 


47 The Wine Cup. 


8 Jack, the Giant Killer. 


28 The Last Lily. 


48 Out in the Streets. 


9 Two Gentlemen at Mivarts 


29 The Three Temptations. 


49 Mothers and Fathers. 


10 Dark Deeds. 


30 Katharine and Petruchio 


50 Taken in and Done For. 


II Marry in Haste and Re- 


(Burlesque). 


51 All's Fair in Love and War 


pent at Leisure. 


31 His First Brief. 


52 Dross from Gold. 


12 Wearing of the Green 


32 The Girls of the Period. 


53 Aunt lerusha's Visit. 


13 The Result of a Nap. 


33 Matched but not Mated. 


54 The Village Belle. 


14 Monsieur Pierre. 


34 Penelope Anne. 


55 Lord Dundreary's Vi.sit. ' 


15 Virtue Victorious. 


35 A Woman will be a Wo- 


56 My Peter. 


16 Love (Burlesque). 


man. 


57 The Cream of Love. 


THE VARIETY STAGE. 


PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 


1 The Big Banana. 


9 Dot Madrimonial Adver- 


17 I Love Your Wife. 


2 Dot Mad Tog. 


disement. 


16 The Ould Man's Coat tails. 


3 A Gay Old Man Am I. 


lo Mulcahy's Cat. 


18 The Decree of Divorce. 


4 The Law .'Mlows it. 


IT Dot Quied Lotgings. 


19 Let those Laugh who Win. 


5 A Leedle Misdake. 


12 All in der Family. 


20 A Dark Noight's Business. 


6 The Spelling Match. 


13 Who Got the Pig? 


21 The Lonely PoUywog of 


7 There's Millions In It. 


14 A Mad Astronomer. 


the Mill Pond. 


8 Tootle, Tootle, Too ! 


15 A Purty Shure Cure. 


22 The Dutchman in Ireland. 


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